your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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