i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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