I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
