The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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