They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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