The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
