His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
