I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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