We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
