I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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