I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
