After last night, I could never be a politician.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
