im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
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