So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
