Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
MIDGETS
????
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
