She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
