i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
