last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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