my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
