there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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