I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
