i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
