Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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