I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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