I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
