Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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