We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
