Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
