I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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