you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
