I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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