gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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