Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
