Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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