I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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