i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
