Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
you never un-have a 4some
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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