you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
