I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
