i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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