so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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