While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
