Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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