I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
