This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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