how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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