He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
