she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
