How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
