I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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