my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
