She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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