I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
