i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
