How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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