Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She even gives head with a lisp.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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