your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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